A Most Horrifying Happening
by Cassiopeia91
Summary: A oneshot. Hermione walks in on snape rockin out. They proceed to share interesting anecdotes and some Mexican tequila. rated for safety.


**A Most Horrifying Happening**

BY: in the roots of darkness

&

Cassiopeia91

Disclaimer: We own nothing, nothing at all. No dust elephants were harmed in the making of this fic.

On the seventh year of Hermione's education at Hogwarts, she was Head Girl... It was her turn to patrol the dungeons, one of her worst duties, when she came upon a disturbing sight. Salazar Slytherin's portrait had a strange green haze seeping from the crevasses between the dingy stone wall and the flaking gold frame.

As Head Girl, she knew it was her duty to investigate all strange occurrences, as unpleasant as they may be. Cautiously approaching the haze, she asked the portrait for entrance.

"You, girl! What is your business here? The occupant behind this portrait does not permit disturbances from anyone other than the headmaster himself." The former head of Slytherin house stated aristocratically.

"As head girl it is my duty to preserve order in this school, as such, I demand entrance." She avowed indignantly. Little did she know, further in the night she would wish she had never stumbled upon this happening.

Scathingly, he submitted to her and the portrait swung upon, to reveal a most horrid sight.

**

* * *

**

As the smoke dissipated and a form materialized in front of her...

* * *

Professor Severus Beatrice Snape, current Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was a very respected and formidable educator. Students sobered at his very onset. His authority was renowned throughout the populous of anyone who knew anyone who knew anyone that had gone to Hogwarts within the last 17 and thirty-five sixty-sevenths of a year.

At the moment, this revered legend of a man was doing something you would have never dreamed him so undignified as to do.

* * *

"P..pr..professor _S-snape_" Hermione stuttered in an almost Quirrel-like fashion, and promptly befriended the dust-elephants in the carpet after falling to the ground in a dead faint… Of course you would too if you had seen your feared and bat like potions professor playing the air-guitar to the muggle song _I Believe In a Thing Called Love_, by the Darkness wearing obscenely tight leather pants, and nothing else, with Dobby, wearing yellow spandex and a tea cozy pole dancing and singing back-up.

* * *

Hermione was slowly awakening, in, what she thought to be her warm,

Gryffindor bed. Suddenly, she remembered the events that transpired in what she yearned to be a dream. Cautiously she slowly lifted one eyelid, to see Snape looming over her with a bottle of Mexican tequila.

"OH _SHIT_!" Hermione bellowed, then seized the nearly full tequila bottle and took a long and enthusiastic swig. She choked, shuddered, grimaced, and shoved the bottle back against Snape's bare chest.

Said man raised his eyebrows yet, also took a long swallow. And plopped himself unceremoniously down at the end of the bed, with his back against the bedpost.

"Back to the living I see." Snape drawled.

"Two points for stating the obvious." She deadpanned.

After an awkward silence, in which tequila was exchanged, the conversation restarted.

"That has to be the solitary most horrifying thing I have ever witnessed. What the hell were you doing?" She asked, hoping there was a reasonable explanation for what she had seen.

"Uhm…weeeeell, er, well you see…" But instead of finishing he took another long drink from the bottle which was becoming steadily emptier.

Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, I probably didn't want to know anyways…"

After another period of silence and one new bottle of tequila later, Snape remarked easily out of the blue, "You know, that can't be the _most_ horrifying thing you've seen, I've seen much worse. Once…

"Oh here in comes." Hermione stated, obviously exasperated.

** Flashback **

"Mmmm…Draco that tastes _so _gooood."

Severus stopped in front of the Slytherin Head Boy's portrait.

"Well, Harry, I must say that this is the fir… moan …st good idea you have had in a MMMMMMM…… long time."

Severus's eyes widened dramatically and his jaw dropped, he was about to open the door and put a stop to this unsavory behavior when he heard the most appalling sort of noises spilling out into the hall.

In an urgent tone Draco begins, "Harry, you're on fire!"

Snape raises one eyebrow.

"Oh, you are too, Draco, you are too."

"No, you don't get it. You're on _FIRE."_

"You're on _FIRE_ too, Draco."

"No, you daft sod, look at your arse! It is on FIRE!"

"Oh, Draco, your arse is on fire too."

Snape raises another eyebrow.

"Oh, bloody hell, fine."

By this time Draco was extremely exasperated and worried about the condition of Harry's arse, he thought it quite nice, and did not want it damaged, so he conjured some water and threw it at Harry.

"Ooooh, I see! I really was on _fire._" Harry finally realized.

"God, why do I stay with you?"

"Because you like my sparkly?"

"Oh, yeah, well, let's get back to what we were doing…"

Snape, now duly mortified, swung open the portrait, only to see Harry and Draco sitting cross-legged at a campfire in the middle of the room, roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.

"What?" The two occupants of the room inquired after Snape had stood there a moment.

Shaking his head, Severus stepped out, closed the portrait and walked away.

**Flashback Ends **

By this time they had gone through another entire bottle of tequila.

"No, that still doesn't beat what you were doing… Hell, even I have something that can beat that."

"Oh, and what might that be, you saw the Weasel naked?"

Hermione just glared at him and said, "Not quite, actually…"

** Flashback **

It was a dark, stormy night at number 12 Grimmauld Place. Hermione had been staying there for the last two weeks of her summer vacation before 6th year with the Weasley's.

Harry was still at the Dursley's, as Professor Dumbledore thought it would be too painful to come back to his godfather's house so soon. Ron was out with Fred and George working on Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.

She heard a strange noise coming from one of the rooms upstairs and decided to make sure Kreacher wasn't off snogging a pair of Mrs. Blacks old bloomers.

Hermione walked up to the door and realized what she heard was banging noises…like a headboard?

Thinking what she heard was some one in trouble; she flung open the door and what she saw she would not soon forget…

There was Mr. and Mrs. Weasley… and they were…

imagery not allowed on FFdotnet because of mature content

** Flashback Ends **

At the end of Hermione's tale, Snape grimaced and gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

"Wow, I must agree, that _is_ horrendous." Snape decided. "Buuut, I'd have to say that I have one that might top them all… but before I start I need to get another bottle." He said, shaking the almost empty tequila bottle at Hermione and downing the dregs.

** Flashback **

It was the annual Death Eater Christmas party, taking place at Malfoy Manner. It was notorious for the drunken escapades. There was actually a Death Eater saying, "What happens at the Christmas party, stays at the Christmas party." As Voldemort never showed up, his followers could "take their masks off" and let loose a bit.

For some odd reason, his fellow Death Eaters decided that since he was a Potions Master, he would be the one to bring the booze. He decided to stop questioning their logic years ago so he complied.

He decided that since he was paying, and they expected him to bring quite a bit of alcohol, he would just buy the cheap muggle kind, beer.

**four hours and five kegs of beer after the party started… **

"Less play a n'ce game…. Hows 'bout 'Wha Ifff'?"

"Alrigh, McNair, you go firs'."

"Hmm…I s'pose that woul' be a'ight, Wha' if…. Wha' if Sefreius (Severus) washed 'is 'air?"

"OHHHH, YOU GOT BURNED!" Yelled Lucius Malfoy a few feet away.

"Oh, you'll pay for that for that McNair." Severus muttered drunkenly under his breath.

"Wha' iff Dum'blydork wa's on crack?"

"BUT 'EE AR'EDY ISS, I'S TH'SE BLOODY LEMON DROPS I'S TELLS YOU!" someone in the back yelled.

'Now,' Severus garbled in his thoughts, 'it is time for my revenge.' "WHA' IFF DUM'LED-DORE GOT I' ON WIFF MCGON'IGALLY ON H'S DES'K!" Snape roared.

There was a collective shudder around the room before Lucius popped up with, "Wha' iff Lor' Mooldy-shorts 'ad hiccup a lubb chil'ds wiff Dumfel'warf!"

At this everyone grimaced, and some mumbled "eeew".

** Flashback Ends **

"Oh, thas also the nigh' I got m' tattoo." Snape added thoughtfully.

Hermione raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Oh, yur much too young, bu' I ca' tell you it has to do with Lucius Malfoy, lot's of beer, a toaster, and a bet."

Hermione furrowed her brows and asked, "Where's it?"

Snape blushed and mumbled something incoherent.

"_Ooooooooh_." Hermione understood.

After a couple more hours of drinking and some quite odd conversations, they both passed out on Severus's four-posted bed.

* * *

Hermione opened her eyes slowly, feeling as if a large farm animal was planted firmly on her head.

'What is that on my stomach, it feels like an…arm?' looking at her stomach she saw that it was, indeed, an arm. Looking at the arm she followed it to what was inevitably a body. A body belonging to a Potions Master.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?" Hermione screeched, looking at her leather pant-clad professor.

Severus woke up startled at what he though was a banshee. He grabbed for his wand but couldn't get out of the skin-tight pants. He almost started to take the pants off to retrieve said wand when he heard the voice again.

"Oh, don't you dare take off those pants!" She hollered, her voice going higher.

He grimaced and said groggily, "Arg, not so loud."

"Not so loud? NOT SO LOUD? I JUST EFFING WOKE UP NEXT TO MY PROFESSOR, WHO IS WEARING NOTHING BUT A PAIR OF OBSCENELY TIGHT LEATHER PANTS AND I HAVE A HANGOVER, I WILL BE AS LOUD AS I GOD-DAMN WANT! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!"

With that, the young witch burst into tears.

Snape, thoroughly alarmed, and not used to dealing with hysterical witches in the morning with a hangover, walked over to her and patted her on the back.

"Don't worry, I haven't slept with a student in over ten years, I-"

"YOU _WHAT_?" Hermione shrieked through her tears.

"Err... never mind. Forget I said it." Snape replied awkwardly.

After a period of silence, Severus cut in with, "Why don't we just pretend this never happened."

After another pause, Hermione replied, "Alright professor…" Grabbing her cloak and wand, walking over to the exit, she paused, "Nice getting drunk with you, sir. I like you a lot more when you're sloshed."

With that she walked out the door and as the portrait was closing he murmured, "You too Miss Granger, you too."

* * *

A/N- Ok this was a spur of the minute fic, co- authored by In the Roots of Darkness and Cassiopeia91. This is our first co-authored fic, (hopefully not our last) that we came up with while making cookies late at night. We just wrote it for shits and giggles so we hope you..laugh. Please hit that sexy little purplish button down there are give us some sugar!

cheers,

jenn and kalea


End file.
